Friday, April 11, 2008

On my mind....

Today is one of those days I've been thinking a lot about my mom, so I thought I would write about her and how she fits into my weight loss journey since it seems to be all I ever talk about this lovely blog.

I'm one of the people who have always been overweight...since sometime in Elementary school. I was thin as a stick before then...and used to go to dance class all the time and basically could eat anything I wanted. Well, in 3rd or 4th grade...I quit dance and well, didn't stop eating anything I wanted. No shock that I gained weight...and that pattern continued until I was well into college.

I never seriously tried to lose weight until I was out of college. I mean...I wanted to be thinner and ordered all those "quick fixes" that I saw on hopes that they would work, but I will honestly say I never did the hard work of losing weight. I wanted the magic solution, but seemed unwilling to do the work.

Anyways, in 99...I hit a wall and got fed up. I started working my own program...basically counting calories and exercise. I was working close to home...and would walk to work and home...and walked during my lunch hour. I also watched every little thing I ate. It worked...I lost 50 lbs. I went to grad school...and kept it off for about a year and a half.

I gained it all back...and then got fed up again...and lost it. And then I moved back home to NY...and gained it all back again. Then I got fed up again...and lost it all again. Then, guess what...gained it all back again.

Then in May 4, life changed. My mom passed away. She was only 60 years old. She had been battling diabetes and diabetes related illnesses for a long time. She suffered numerous infections...and her kidneys were not healthy. She was preparing to start dialysis within a year. My mom was overweight for most of my life...and she hated it. She would diet off an on...much like my history above. Losing her...was devasting. It wasn't something I was prepared for.

I went to a training for work the other day...and it was about motivating people to make changes in their lives, especially those people with a lot of problems or barriers. One of the main philosophies this guy that the bad stuff or the pain in people's can either bury them or become the fuel they need to overcome it and become the success they are meant to be.

So, I miss my mom every day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of something I would tell her...or want to ask her. I don't feel ready to be in a world without her and I doubt I ever will...but here I am. Well, for me...I used my mom's death and her health my weight loss fuel. I didn't always see it, but I see it now. She has been my accomplish something I know that she wanted for do something that would make her so proud.

I have had a different level of commitment to my diet and exercise plan this time around...than I have ever had before. I have been able to lose more weight...I have been able to stay on plan...I have been able to accomplish goals I never even dreamed of. I have thought to myself...why is it different this time?

It's different...because without even vocalizing it, I am doing it for her...and there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for my mom. She was there for me in every moment of every day....and if I have any kindness and compassion, it's because of her. So, my weight loss journey....and the success I have in honor of her. I know she's smiling down on me...and so proud. And for that, I thank her...because she gave me the strength and the fuel to keep going...even when I wanted to throw in the towel.

Hugs to you mom...miss you bunches! (That's a pic of Mom and know...when I was born and all)


And here is a pic of Mom and me at our local amusement park...on her fav ride, the Dumbo ride!


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