Sunday, May 04, 2008

a year....comes and it goes.

This the one year anniversary of my mom's death. Sometimes it seems like a million years have passed since my mom died and sometimes it seems like it was yesterday.

The anniversary is today, but it felt like it was on Friday. My mom passed away on the first Friday in May last year. I was in a huge funk on Friday. I wanted to call in "sick" to work on Friday...since I just didn't want to deal. I didn't...because there was work that needed to be done, but I wanted to. It was a hard day to sit in my office and go through the motions...and it kind of felt like I was living the day over again since many things were similar. I had a class I was preparing for the next day last year...just like this year. I had to leave during my lunchtime...this year, to run errands...last year, to go check on my mom. I would often think of that wonderful, naive sense I had last year until my dad called and asked if I had heard from mom and if I could call and see if she was home. My whole world changed...once I left and hoped to just go home, check on her and chastise her for not answering the phone.

So...on Friday, I just kind of went through the day and did everything to get my work done and get home. I spent both Friday and Saturday continuing my funk...I ended up bring snarky and trying to pick a fight with my dad on Saturday while we were shopping because I am just THAT mature. I basically hung up on him on the phone (which I think is just the rudest thing a person can do)...when I was calling him from one side of Target while he was on the other. I went home...ate WAY too much for dinner and then watched a movie and went to bed.

Today, I woke up...and felt better. I felt renewed is the best way I can describe it. I got up before my alarm...and got ready to go to church. I considered not going, but I always feel close and connected to my mom at church, so I knew it was where I needed to be. I spent two days being a grump...and missing my mom and I felt this morning, that she was telling me to get over it and honor her by being that positive being that my was always was. So, today...I have that spirit about me again.

I miss my mom. I can't believe she's been gone for a year. Dad and I went to visit her grave marker...and spend a little time with her. I'm gonna do the best I can to honor her and make her proud. I can dwell in the pain of missing her...but I am not going to do that because it isn't what she would want. She's more important to me and the world than that.

Hugs to all....

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