blessed....

You know, I have some great friends...I really do. I am pretty sure I would not have been as understanding as my friends have been with me in the past years.

Sometimes...I get into these modes of just not keeping in contact. I am not malicious in doing it...I just do it. I don't return emails...I don't return phone calls. I think about these friends often...I just don't actively do anything about it. It's been a problem I have had for years....well, maybe decades.

I wanna say I don't know why...but I know why. It's that pesky struggling self esteem that I sometimes have. I love these friends. I know they love me...and want to hear from me. But there is something...sometimes so terrifying with picking up the phone and putting myself out there...with people I love and trust. How messed up is that? But I do it...often. I am flawed and often broken.

So yes...these two friends in particular. They both have written me...emails...and actual letters...with stamps...and pictures, etc. And, I didn't respond....no email back...no letter back....no phone call. Nada. I probably have been out of contact for 6 months...if not more. Within the last 24 hours...both friends have called to "check up" with me...and give me a little hard time for "hiding out" on them.

And then...they moved on...starting chatting and kept on loving and supporting me...and my dysfunctional lack of contact. I really don't think I would have been that cool about it....I have one friend who hasn't called me back for about a year...we went to middle school together...known each other forever. So, I am going to follow my amazing friends lead...and call her and just say hello and that I miss her.

It's just nice...I am reminded at the amazing friendships I have...and just feel really loved. I don't think those two friends read here...but if they do, know that I adore you...and I thank you. And I promise...to not go hiding again, but I know if I do...you'll still love me.