My Fat is My Security Blanket

There was a great post over at Angry Fat Girlz last week...where Jen talked about our fat, our body image and self esteem. I read someone else...who linked to her post...and when I read it, it just cut right to me...and so many of my issues.

My fat is my security blanket...I carry it around with me like those 4 year olds who drag a beat up, shredded blanket.

I carry my fat with me like a badge...if I am being honest, I have been fat or at least pudgey since I was in 5th or 6th grade. I don't know a life outside of being pleasantly plump. I have always wanted to get let into the "Thin Club" but have always just looked at the party from the outside.

I carry my fat as an eternal excuse...if I don't get attention from guys...or from anyone...it's because of the fat. It's not because they aren't into me...or I am not that pretty...it's because of the pudge. At times when I have gotten thinner...I have gotten more attention and because I am not used to it, in many ways I am not comfortable with it. It's like a new world...because...and even though I hate admitting it....I have secluded myself from it...because deep dark inside I think that no one would be interested in me...because of the fat...no matter how funny or smart or enteraining I am. If anyone else said that...I would argue them to the end of time, but that thought it constantly in my brain...floating around there...reminding of the life I am missing out on...because of the fat.

I have lost 29 pounds so far...and honestly, I am looking good. I still have weight to lose...and I wonder if I will ever feel like I don't have weight to lose. I have spent a lifetime feeling discontent and shame about my body and my weight, so it is hard for me to imagine a time without that.

I have gotten a good number of compliments lately as well...from people who have seen the weight loss process. One guy at the video store last week...mentioned how good I look...and how I am waisting away, etc. Another person at the day job mentioned it...saying how much healthier I looked, etc. And my dad mentioned at the Diabetes Walk...that I looked skinny. Someone called me skinny???

This is foreign territory people...and I am not sure where and what to do from here. I am used to dressing in order to hide my body...my flaws...because my dysfunctional thinking can't see something attractive about the fat. An example is when I dressed for the diabetes walk. I wore my new exercise pants...which are a size Medium...and they hug my hips and are much tighter than I would ever usually wear in public. I wear them at home, but not outside the house...cause outside the house it is baggy and loose, etc. Hide. Hide. Hide. I wore them...and I felt so self conscious....I felt like I was naked. And then...I calmed down. I did my walk...and my run...and finished the race with my tight trackers on. I remember having the thought at night...as I unpacked my bag...with my extra shirt and pants...just in case I got there and realized how ridiculous I was...and needed to change...that I was able to be outside...with people...and not trying to disguish everything I don't like about how I look.

I know how to lose weight...I know how to gain weight. My next battle is with the voice in my head...who is constantly talking...constantly reminding me. I have to battle with that voice...and challenge myself to accept who I am...to accept that I have skills and talents and beauty that deserves to be loved, fat or no fat. It's tough...because I don't admit these things out loud, but I do know that keeping them secret...keeps my fat and the demons surrounding it alive.

I have always said that to me...losing weight is easy...as long as I am focused, etc. I like eating healthy foods...I like exercising. Well...then why haven't I been successful? I have been working on this for years...why I aren't I where I want to be and then some...if it is SO easy. The eating...and elliptical...those parts are easy. The voice in my head...now that is terrifying.