Tyra Banks...gets me to get real with my bad self!

I did good yesterday...I did get into a small eating frenzy last night...I ate 2 packs of fruit snacks, some peanuts and some trail mix. But, I am NOT freaking about that...because my "snacking" was much more healthy than any of my eating has been in the last month or so. If I consider cheating to be having some fruit snacks and some trail mix...I'll take it.

Tonight..I already have it planned to have pizza for dinner and I am okay with that too. I know I have some extra gained weight to get rid of, but that doesn't mean that I have to stop all aspects of living. I won't eat pizza or take out every single day, but I can have it every once in a while. So far...I have worked out twice this week...which is more than I have done altogether in the last two weeks. My plan is...to go home, workout, order the pizza and then eat it. I figure...I didn't eat fabulously, but I still burned some calories, so good deal!

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, so I ended up watching most of the Tyra Banks show...I have no idea how I even ended up on the channel. Anyways...the show was on women and body image. First of all...I find it ironic that a Victoria Secret Supermodel is doing a show on women and negative body image...I imagine having these women just stand next to her made them feel even worse about their bodies. But then again...that isn't fair...just because Tyra is beautiful and envied and worshipped by millions doesn't mean she doesn't have her own body issues. I am sure she often sees that same distorted thinking that many of us see.

I started thinking a lot about myself and body image...and how warped my own thoughts are. I have been overweight most of my life...either a little or a lot. And even when I wasn't overweight...I was in my head. I can remember when I moved to Indiana in 2000...and I was at my all-time thinnest. I absolutely thought I still had 20 pounds to lose. I can remember in 2003...when I had gained most of the weight back and a friend showed me a picture from 2000...and how tiny my legs were. But if you asked me in 2000...I would have remarked at how thick my legs were and how I needed to lose inches around my thighs and my stomach and my etc, etc. I didn't think I looked good, attractive, sexy...any of it.

And now...I am close to being back at that weight. I know I look better than I did...but I am not satisfied with how I look. I still see those problem areas...the work that I think needs to be done. Even though I had that awareness years ago...it hasn't changed the thoughts in my head. I feel that I need to be at goal...toned and fit...in order to be attractive. I feel that I can't have pudge around my waist. I dress to hide my problem areas or my size...so I often am wearing these tent sweaters. Today I am wearing a form fitting sweater...and I am so uncomfy in it. I keep pulling on it...because it isn't covering me up enough. I know that I present myself as even less attractive than I actually am...because I have such shame and embarassment about my pudge.

I know I have work to do, but well...I just don't know how to change that dialogue in my head. I want to be thin. I want to have a body that I can be proud of...and for me, I am not sure I will ever be content. I want to be...I want to be content and not afraid to show it off...even if it involves some curves. I think all the side comments I have heard all my life; someone mooing at me when they rode by me on their bike when I was a kid, people saying "you have such a pretty face"...if only you didn't ruin it with all that fat, not going to school dances because I can't fit into the cool dresses everyone else is wearing, etc.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the sadness of how much life I have not lived...because of my thoughts about my fat.