Confession: Back Up Friends

This is going to be a long entry...I imagine. It's just something I was thinking about and wanted to get it off my chest. If emotional mumbo jumbo isn't your cup of tea...then amuse yourself with a good number of other entries around these parts. If you can't get enough of it, then by all means read on....

Over at Wavy Brains there was an entry all about the concept of Back Up Friends. You know...those friends who you like, but they never seem to be the friends you call first. Those friends which are cool to hang out with...if they around, but it is no skin of your nose if they aren't around.

That entry just really stuck with me...mainly because I have made a friendship career out of being someone's "Back Up Friend." It's often where I end up. I was one of those people who made a lot of friends...but rarely made those knock down, indestructable friendships. I have had a few...and they have made all the difference in my life. I have two friends from college that I don't know what I would do without them...and this entry is in no way means I don't appreciate them. I made one or two friends when I was in Indiana...who still keep in touch and who I consider true, real friends. They made living in Indiana truly special.

But that doesn't change the fact that I often feel like I am the constant Back Up Friend. I have been put in the role of someone who is fun to be around...if she is there, but not someone we are going to call specifically to have over. I had one friend in college...and she was what I thought was my best friend for over a year...and then as the years changed, I realized what a Back Up Friend I was. She called when no one else was around...when her girlfriend was busy...when she needed something. I was the Back Up Friend. We aren't really friends today. We drifted apart and then got so apathetic that neither of us really cared that we were drifting.

And my trend continued when I was in grad school...I had another friend which I thought we were very close, until I actually took a deep look at our friendship. When I really looked at our friendship from beginning to end, we were never really that good friends at all. We hung out a lot...and I had some of the most amazing times in grad school when she was around. But..if we ever had a spat or weren't getting along...she didn't try working it out, she would just stop calling. Ignorning a problem was the solution for her. And...then I noticed....she called when her husband was busy...she called when her other grad school friend was busy...or maybe she would be nice enough to call me to tag along with the two of them...but I can't remember a time when she called me first and then we called to see if that other friend wanted to tag along. She called me when she was lonely...or depressed and wanted someone to entertain her or make her feel better.

I started feeling this way...a long time before our friendship was non-existent. I thought I was just being overly sensitive. I thought I was just not trusting our friendship. The true test to me was this...her other grad school friend got married....and was going to be moving away in a couple of months. I hung out with my friend a lot when she was helping planning the wedding...and she often talked about how lonely and depressed she was going to be when her friend moved away to where her soon to be husband was going to be living. At one point, she actually said to me, "I am going to be so sad when she moves away...because I feel like all friends are leaving me. This friend moved. That friend moved. My sister moved and now this other friend is moving." Mind you, I was sitting right there....not moving. (Name withheld to protect the innocent and guilty)

And then...her grad school friend went on her honeymoon. My friend called and wanted to hang out EVERYDAY that she was gone. I talked to her 3 or 4 times a day while she was gone. And yep...you guessed it, her friend came back from the honeymoon...and I didn't hear from her for numerous days. I was back to being the Back Up Friend and the "Front Lines" friend just returned to town...

I guess I was fun to hang out with...as long as there were no other options. It devastated me. It was then that I knew...I didn't really have the friendship I thought I had. We were friends of convenience if anything else.

In a few months time...our friendship completely fell apart and we haven't talked for almost a year now. It's sad when I think about it. It's sad to realize that in many ways you just didn't matter to a person. It's sad to see how easily you allowed yourself to become someone's doormat. And I think the saddest thing...is that I am very untrusting of friendships today. I don't even know if I believe in them anymore...I think I just wait for the other shoe to drop and for them to fail me.

Alright...enough of the woe is me entry. It happens from time to time. It is amazing to me how someone else's words can really remind you of something or some time in your life that you would just rather not admit.

P.S. To those few and true friends in my life...I love you beyond words!

P.S. (2) I intentionally didn't name the two friends I spoke of in this entry...I know I wouldn't want someone airing my dirty laundry with my name attached to it, so I am not going to do that to them. And in the end, they weren't bad people...it just wasn't meant to be. And in all honesty, this entry isn't about them...it's about me.